For most of my life, I was constantly looking for validation from others. At work, I felt like I needed my boss’s approval or my colleagues' praise to know that I was doing a good job. In my personal life, I looked to friends and family to feel worthy and safe. Every nod, every smile, every "well done" was a reassurance that I was enough. But no matter how much validation I got, it never lasted long. It was fleeting, and before I knew it, I was back seeking that next hit of approval.

This endless pursuit of external validation was exhausting. It kept me in a cycle of people pleasing—always making sure others were happy, sometimes at the expense of my own needs and desires. I became very good at reading what others wanted from me and adjusting my behavior to meet their expectations, hoping to secure their validation. But it left me feeling empty, drained, and disconnected from myself. I lost sight of who I was and what I wanted because I was so focused on others.

It wasn’t until I started working on my confidence and self-worth that things began to change. Slowly, I realized that no amount of external validation would ever fill the gap that only I could fill. I needed to trust myself and find internal validation. This process wasn’t easy, but it was worth every step.

The Connection Between People Pleasing and External Validation

People pleasing is often tied to a deep desire for validation. We feel compelled to say yes, to be agreeable, and to meet the needs of others because we fear rejection or judgment. In the workplace, this might look like overcommitting to projects or staying quiet when we disagree with something, hoping to keep everyone happy. In our personal lives, it might show up as taking care of everyone else’s needs before our own or agreeing to things we don't really want to do.

At the core of people pleasing is the belief that our worth is tied to how others see us. We’ve been conditioned to believe that if we can keep everyone happy, we’ll be safe, accepted, and valued. But the truth is, the more we look outside ourselves for validation, the further we move away from our true selves.

How to Build Confidence in Internal Validation

Gaining confidence in internal validation doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice and a willingness to listen to your own voice instead of the noise around you. Here are some tips that helped me along the way:

Acknowledge Your Achievements

Start by recognizing your own accomplishments without needing someone else to point them out. When you finish a task, take a moment to appreciate what you’ve done. Celebrate your wins, big or small. This can help shift your focus from external praise to self-recognition.

Set Boundaries 

People pleasing often stems from a fear of saying no. Start practicing saying no when something doesn’t align with your values or your capacity. Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect and is a powerful way to validate your own needs.

Trust Your Gut  

Tune into your intuition and let it guide you. When making decisions, pause and check in with yourself. What do *you* think? What feels right to you? Trusting your own judgment builds the confidence that you don’t need others to affirm your choices.

Practice Self-Compassion 

It’s easy to be hard on ourselves, especially if we’ve been conditioned to seek validation from others. When things don’t go as planned, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer a friend. Self-compassion helps nurture your internal sense of worth.

Shift Your Focus to Your Own Needs

Start each day by checking in with yourself: "What do *I* need today?" Whether it’s a break, some quiet time, or a challenging task that excites you, honor what your inner self is asking for. This shift from focusing on others to focusing on your own needs helps reinforce that you are responsible for your own happiness.

The Benefits of Internal Validation

When you stop relying on external validation and build confidence in yourself, the benefits ripple through every aspect of your life. At work, you feel more empowered to speak up, share your ideas, and advocate for yourself. In your personal life, you create stronger, healthier relationships because you’re no longer trying to please others at the expense of your own well-being.

Perhaps the greatest benefit is the sense of peace and fulfillment that comes from within. When you know your worth, you don’t need to chase it. You can trust yourself, make decisions with confidence, and live authentically.

I won’t say that I never seek external validation anymore. We’re human, and it’s natural to want acknowledgment from others. But now, I no longer depend on it to feel worthy. I trust myself, and that has made all the difference. 

If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of people-pleasing and seeking external validation, know that there’s a way out. It starts with trusting yourself and embracing your own voice. Internal validation is a journey, but it's one that will lead you to true confidence, freedom, and a life lived on your own terms.